Another week has come and gone, and it's business as usual in this world of WTF: Barack Obama won a nobel Peace Peace Prize for opening his eyes one morning, the Yankees moved on to the next round, and you nobodies continue to write captions despite a complete lack of skill or talent. You might call it perserverance. I call it denial. In fact, I had an epiphany this week about you dimwit artards.
Completely disgusted after reading another week's worth of your shlock, I got up to grab a beer and start the process of obliterating the mind numbing experience from my memory. But when I walked into the question, I found my son, Little Anthony, slamming his tiny face against the wall over and over again. I asked him what the shit he was doing, and he looked up at me with his bruised mug, laughed, and went right back to wacking himself. The little sadist was enjoying himself! And it struck me like a two by four in my gold plated tooth-- just like my twisted kid, you pieces of shit get off on this shit.
Literally you're all addicted to sucking so hard that I end up slamming you for it. Well forget about that. Vincenzo Valentine is a lot of things, but he's no two bit pusher-man slinging insults, not for free anyways. So I've decided that like with Little Anthony I'm going to get you pathetic punishment junkies help. Here's Vinny V's 12 Step Program to Stop Sucking.
1. Admit you are powerless over sucking
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself (Vinny) can restore you to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn your will and your lives over to the care of Vinny as you understand Him.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves.
5. Admit to Vinny, yourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of your sucking
6. Be entirely ready to have Vinny remove all these defects of character
7. Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.
8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed with your sucking and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continue to take personal inventory and when you suck promptly admit it.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with Vinny as you understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for you and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message to other suckaholics, and practice these principles in all your affairs.
* remember once a suckaholic always a suckaholic, so be vigilant and if you feel the desire to suck, slam your face into a wall.
Now to test your new found resolve, here's a picture of an exhausted, gold coated Bette Middler and a satisfied drag queen outside the annual "Shoot Heroin and Watch Beaches Marathon."
Consider yourselves enabled,